revenge

I had my baby shower this weekend.

It was lovely.

I was {and still am} unbelievably overwhelmed by the generosity of the people in my life. They’re really spectacular. Everyone should have family and friends like I have.

But that’s not what I want to talk to you about.

I want to caution you young, un-married, or married without children folks about something. It’s very important.

When your niece or nephew has a birthday, and you want to buy them a toy, you should think VERY long and hard about what you would like to purchase. May I offer some suggestions to you?

• puzzles
• blocks
• stuffed animals
• books

Did you notice a theme among my suggestions?

Okay, well, I’ll tell you. The theme is this: they don’t make any noise.

This is important.

Because, if you buy said niece or nephew a toy that makes noise, their parents will hate this toy. And the hatred of this toy will breed resentment in them. And this resentment only really ends up falling on you.

And then, one day,  you will become pregnant. And these people who have this hatred toward this toy, and this resentment toward you for purchasing said toy and gifting it to their first-born {so that it can also be enjoyed by their subsequent children} will get the sweetest revenge after having saved this toy for 8-ish years. And when they’re so generously gifting you with items, you will discover this at the bottom of the bag o’ stuff that they give you:

It looks innocent, doesn’t it? But it’s not innocent, my friends.

This is revenge.

This is the toy that I gifted to my eldest niece on her first birthday. This truck plays a song – EVERY. TIME. YOU. WALK. NEAR. IT. And it’s back in my possession after all these years.

I have earned this, and soon after my son is born, they’ll be carting me away in a straight jacket.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.