riding the emotional roller coaster

Today, for the first time since his birth, a month ago, I met my nephew Colin. (I do believe that he is the. cutest. little. baby. boy. EVER. No bias here, of course.) It was a good time spent with my Brother and Sister-in-law and my nieces too. I was able to chat with them about what’s been happening since I saw them last (I think it was February, sheesh! I’m not winning any sister-in-law of the year awards over here!) and I really felt, well, home with them.

I specify my feelings on being with them for this reason; I haven’t felt like that in a while. It was comfortable, warm. And I didn’t understand why I suddenly felt this way until I left:

It reminded me of my husband.

At first glance, you don’t really see much of a resemblance between my husband and his brother. Husband is 6’5″ with fair skin and red hair. And he’s a little bigger-boned than his brother, who is 6’0″ with brownish-blackish hair and olive-y skin. (they came from the same set of parents, can you believe it?) But upon closer inspection, you really start to notice the similarities. Alot of their features are the same. And some of their mannerisms. It’s kind of like an over-all, general resemblance. So it’s hard not to think of my husband when I’m around his brother. Especially when my husband isn’t around and hasn’t been for some 5 1/2 months now. It doesn’t help that I’m not usually over their house without my husband. So that drudges up all kinds of emotion too.

It really hit me hard after I left though. I felt like I was leaving Luke all over again. It was almost like he was there, in that house, and I wasn’t allowed to stay. (As an aside, it wasn’t like they kicked me out, I mean I’m sure they would have loved to, I didn’t leave until 10:30 and they have three children. I chose to leave so they could get some semblance of somthing resembling sleep) I actually cried on the way home. Because I felt like I finally had a piece of my husband back and then I had to give it back.

What my sister-in-law said tonight is so true:

“It’s harder for the person left behind. They’re the one who has to still be around everything that reminds them of their spouse. Like, Oh I remember when we went there….”

It’s just so true. And it’s what makes this hurt so bad.

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