uncharted territory

I’ve always been a pretty happy-go-lucky person. Very optimistic. A friendly, people person. Loyal friend/companion. I believe that these are traits that others would use to describe me as well.

However, I possess a combination of personality traits that in some people can be detrimental.

I am an over-achieving, people pleaser.

While to you this may not seem to be so bad, and really, it hasn’t to me until now, I’m realizing more and more just how dangerous this combination truly is.

All of my life, up until my husband’s deployment, I’ve had someone reigning me in, telling me what I should and shouldn’t take on (not in a bossy way, just an advice-driven way) in my schedule so as not to overwhelm myself. My parents have always been good about telling me when I need to cut things out and then when I got married, my husband took over this responsibility since I just have no sense of when to quit.

Now that Luke’s gone, I’ve all but run myself into the ground. (actually, I’m pretty much there) I’m in charge of my own schedule and I firmly believe that I’ve lost control. I can’t say no. But worse than that (to me anyway) is that I’m not excelling at all that I’m doing.

Gone is the person I’m used to being. The helpful, sane, logical, person you all know and love.

I have never (by the Grace of God) faced depression, anxiety, or anything of the like. However, I think that in some capacity or another, I have faced all three since Luke left and they’ve gotten progressively worse as the months have.

I work a lot, I volunteer too much of my free-time, and I’m in school. Add to that the stress of the year-long absence of my husband and the recent possibility (albeit unconfirmed) of some infertility issues I’m facing (don’t go searching the archives for this one, I haven’t blogged it yet), and you’ve got a recipe for disaster.

What’s worse is that I’m not confiding in anyone except for my husband, which always adds fuel to the fire. I don’t want to argue my schedule with him every time we talk, but as I become more and more stressed, he’s the one to bear the brunt of it. It’s awful.

On paper, I know what I have to do. I know who I have to say no to and when. The problem is that as soon as I think it, I go right back to my people-pleasing tendencies and lose all sense of what responsibility I have to God, my Husband and myself to remain healthy and happy (word used loosely) until my husband’s return.

Plus, with all of this stress, I’m making myself sick. I’m not a cold/flu/sick kind of gal. In most cases, I’ve been able to avoid even the most contagious “strands” going around, and so far this year I’ve caught Every. Single. One. It’s so unlike me. I stayed home sick from work today. I have some sort of nasal/chest congestion thing.

My (first) nephew was just born, and I’m terrified to go visit him lest I plague him with this illness in his first few days of life. While I’m sure his mother (and father) appreciates this, I hate that it’s even and issue.

I just want to feel normal again. To be with my husband, to be the person who friends and family enjoy being around. To not dread the sound of my cell phone or my alarm clock. To be able to answer the question “How are you?” without having to choke back tears and suffer through the answer “Good…” without feeling like a liar. I just want him to come home. I’d rather not have this scorch mark, this struggle in my life. I’d rather not feel like I just threw myself a pity party.

I’d rather not tell the people who I have to, the word “no”.


5 Responses to “uncharted territory”

  1. 2 lifelemons March 25, 2008 at 9:21 pm

    P.S. I texted and called you to no avail. Call me when you have a free second (which you and a free second lately is almost impossible!)

    If you want to hang out we can have a girls night and watch movies on the couch and order take out, it would be super fun! (I promise)

  2. 3 DDTM March 26, 2008 at 10:13 am

    LLA – call me if you need me. I was just talking about this with the best thing to ever to happen to me and we were talking about how i feel that it’s my role in her life too.

    LLA – K and I <3 you, so please let us know how we can help. I like telling people “No”, it’s a nice stress relief for me. Happy to provide that service to you, for free even. :)

  3. 4 Em March 31, 2008 at 5:27 pm

    Hey punkin,

    I’m here too… Execpt Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Friday nights (bowling)… I agree with Lemons, i think we’re due a girls night in… What did they end up naming your nephew?

  1. 1 the one where you learn WAY more about me than you ever really wanted to know « sunny side of life Trackback on March 28, 2008 at 10:22 pm

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