dear luke

I’m so bummed that we got disconnected the other day. I agree with you, our conversation was really good, and I’m so upset that we couldn’t finish.
I actually did try to reboot the Internet several times in an attempt to talk to you again, but alas, it wasn’t meant to be.
I hate email because it’s so impersonal, and yet, it really is the only way that I can frequently, and without interruption, communicate with you.
I guess really, I just hate that you’re gone. That’s really the heart of the issue, huh?
The thing that I struggle with the most is this inner battle that I’m fighting. I want so desperately to talk to you all of the time and I miss you when I can’t. However, when I do talk to you whether it’s via phone, im/webcam, or email, I am reminded of the fact that you aren’t just away for the weekend only to return to me Sunday night, but you’re away for a year and won’t return until December. It really is easier sometimes not to talk to or hear from you at all, because then I don’t think about you as much, and then I don’t cry over you so much.
I’m sure this is really selfish of me to bring you down, but you’re the only person who understands me and how I’m feeling in this very moment. You’re the only one who knows exactly what I’m going through and I hate that. I wish that there were someone else that I could depress with my woeful tales of sadness and depression. I wish that I could only be happy when I’m “talking” to you.
There are days when I don’t even want to get out of bed because of how sad I am. There are days when the pain is so overwhelming I just want to sleep instead of feel. There are days when December seems so far away, so distant, it’s like it will never come around.
I feel fake because I just plaster my smile on so that no one else has to be uncomfortable around me. I’m sure that’s making things worse, but it’s the only way that I know how to deal with this. I feel like if I constantly express my sadness, people will be worn out by me and I’ll become one of those EGR people that others avoid because I would just be a walking cloud.
Sometimes when I dream, it’s about you, and you’re here and we’re still living out our marriage the way we did our first year, just the 2 of us in our apartment. When I wake up it’s a cruel reality that I’m greeted with.
I long for the day when we can have that again. I think about it constantly. I know you do to.
I pray for you everyday. Not so much for your safety (although, hello, of course that’s on my mind too!) but for your heart. I know that everything I’ve said, you’re feeling too and I want you to know that. I am just as aware of your feelings and how this is affecting you as I am about myself. (I will admit, that sometimes it’s easier to focus on me, because I’m living with me)
I’m so proud of what you’re doing and how you and ALL of your guys are sacrificing. I pray for them too, and their families.
I can’t imagine having to be a single mom for a year, and that is the only thing that’s making this easier. Thinking about how little Jack will grow so much before his Daddy can see him again. And all the other kids too. The things that your men are missing out on are huge, and so how can I be so selfish, when they’ve left behind so much more?
It’s all about perspective. God is giving me that. Slowly but surely.
I hope you’re having so much fun. I hope you’re able to accomplish big and little things while you’re there. I hope that we are both better spouses to one another upon your return. I hope we both remember in this time that God is sovereign, and we can trust him.
I hope you know that I love you and miss you.
More than you know.
All my love,

2 Responses to “dear luke”

  1. 1 lifelemons February 18, 2008 at 12:44 pm


    Call me if you ever want to talk, I don’t care what time it is!

    Love you!

  2. 2 Em February 27, 2008 at 7:28 pm


    You know you can call me too whenever you feel like talking or not talking, crying or yelling. That’s what I’m here for!

    I know there are times when words can’t explain what you are feeling and that’s why you have friends, to help sooth the unbearable and uncomfortable. Love XOXO

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