tortured by none other than myself

Before Luke left, lots of people told me (to some effect, not these exact words) that I needed to live like he was never here and like he’ll never come back.

It sounds harsh, but let me explain.

Basically, I need to re-do my little quirks; quirks that I’ve developed since we got married.

When I initially heard this advice, I thought to myself, “Self, you will not do that. He is a part of your life, and writing him out of it won’t make you feel better, because it’ll be impossible to live like he’s never left his imprint on you.” He is still around after all, he’s just not around me, so why should I change anything?

2 months into this “deployment” and I get it.

I sleep on “my” side of the bed. I keep his clothes in the closet. Some of his books are still on the bookshelf.

All it has done, all it will continue to do, is make me realize how devistatingly lonely I really am.

Sleeping on my own side only leaves a big spot where he isn’t sleeping. Looking at his clothes every morning when I get dressed only makes me realize that he’s not here to fill them. Leaving his books out only reminds me that it’ll be another 12 months before he tries to read them while I’m distracting him so he can’t.

I need to get rid of all of it if I want to have a shred of sanity left upon his return.

It’s just so hard to let it all go.

His smell is still in the sheets and on his clothes and try as I might, those little pieces of him don’t make him appear whenever I decide I want him around (which is all the time). But they’re still pieces of him.

And they’re all I have.

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6 Responses to “tortured by none other than myself”


  1. 1 lifelemons January 18, 2008 at 11:34 pm

    I am not so sure about the whole getting rid of him thing…

    But hell, it’s not going to hurt you to wash his smell out of the sheets and sleep right smack dab in the middle! At least it is a starting point. “Getting Rid” of him won’t work, it is the memories and the way it makes you feel, just as much as it is the routine of life…one often goes with the other.

  2. 2 handyguyspodcast January 19, 2008 at 10:37 am

    Hm. I’m with lemons. I’m not sure getting rid of all that stuff is the right idea. Packing it away seems kind of morbid. But girl. SLEEP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BED! I do that whenever Hubs isn’t home. Of course, I also have two little rugrats snuggled up on either side of me too. @@

  3. 3 dcrmom January 19, 2008 at 10:39 am

    UM. Hullo. That was me. My Hubs was logged into WordPress with his new blog. Annoying.

  4. 4 dcrmom January 19, 2008 at 10:40 am

    Oh one more thing. Would you PULLEEZE change your Christmas header? Now that IS morbid. ;-)


  1. 1 it’s starting to get old, isn’t it? « sunny side of life Trackback on May 21, 2009 at 6:42 am
  2. 2 just when you thought you were rid of me « sunny side of life Trackback on February 9, 2010 at 11:22 am

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