Why All Men Should Take a Class in Basic Marksmanship

I think that if I have to clean up urine from anything except for the toilet seat, and even that is pushing it, one more time I will end the lives of 3 young men very close to me. More specifically, my brothers.

It is my responsibility to clean the bathroom that I share with all of my siblings. I have three brothers and one sister, so those of you that share a bathroom with any member of the male species can relate to me. Aside from the fact that I feel this is the worst job in the world and all my brothers have to do is mow the lawn, I’m generally not bitter about it because they have to mow at least twice a week, while I only clean the bathroom once a week.

Anyway, I was cleaning the bathroom on Saturday and for about the 100 gazillionth time, noticed the urine on the wall (yes! the wall) and the floor around the toilet. Not to mention the urine stain running down the front of the toilet. My father defends their mishap by informing me that when they go potty, sometimes, it “splatters out” of the toilet. My solution to this problem: pee sitting down. I NEVER splatter, how ’bout you ladies?

 Also, men have been blessed with a device specifically for the purpose of (if for nothing else ;) aiming. Why then is it so difficult to go IN THE TOILET?! I’m sure it doesn’t splatter as much as what ends up all over and around my toilet.

And one more thing! My fiance was back for FIVE days at one point over the course of his army training and somehow managed to do the same thing at our apartment! What the heck? There is nothing worse than that job and one of these days (before I get married in 4 weeks) I am going to make my brothers clean up their own urine. I’m sick of it! (I know, I know, I’ll be doing it for the rest of my life, blah, blah, blah) I think that the mess is going to stop with me. I’ll make sure that I’m the one to potty train my sons (if I’m blessed with any) and they will surely be sitting down on the potty in my house thank you very much.

P.S. I’m sort of bummed because I thought we were going to be renting this big limo-bus thing for my wedding, but over the weekend, Mom got a demo tape in from a quartet that she LOVED and must absolutely have play at the wedding. So they’re replacing the limo-bus with a cello, flute, violin, and viola. Think we could all fit in there?

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4 Responses to “Why All Men Should Take a Class in Basic Marksmanship”


  1. 1 Heddy August 7, 2006 at 1:57 pm

    I hear ya sister! I have just Tom and I am ready to strangle him! You did not tell me about the limo deal. I am super bummed for you!

  2. 2 girlymama August 7, 2006 at 2:47 pm

    now, in defense of fiance, he did just get back from ARMY training so that may be responsible for the slip in his potty etiquette.

    however, i must warn you that any bathroom that is used by a man EVER is gross. so my advise is to invest in rubber gloves and disinfecting cleaner.

    p.s. if it is any comfort, i was just sitting on the potty, very neatly getting all of my pee-pee in the correct place, when i noticed there were brown marks on the walls, sink, lightswitch and doorknob. YUP! IT’S POOP! from the munchkin’ who has recently learned to wipe herself. BLEEECH! if kids are this gross and guys are this gross i FEAR having a boychild.

  3. 3 John August 17, 2006 at 3:34 pm

    Newsflash. Being of not having that “tool” in your possesion, I will cut you some slack.

    A. The Father is right. It is nearly impossible to not splatter standing up. Try this. Get a empty bottle of dove dishwashing liquid, or something similar with a spout. Fill it with water. Hold it 2 feet above and spray water into the toilet. Let’s see YOU not splatter everywhere.

    B. Given that pee splatters (I am guessing men pee a bit harder then women– different design.. Would you like to SIT 4 inches from toilet water that splashes all up on your butt? That’s what happens when a man pees sitting down. Also, you know it’s just not shaped right, with the testicals in the way, to pee straight down! So you know what happens? You end up peeing against the front wall of the toilet, which bounces right back on us!

    C. Surely you’ve seen a penis in it’s natural state. Kinda all lumpted up, especially when crammed in pants all day. You think it just pops right out and straighten up like a pistol? Heck no! We can only generally aim, but we never know for sure exactly where it’s going to land until it does, then we can adjust from there. Plus, it does not come out at an exact known rate each time either.

    Let’s see you take a garden hose, aim it at a bucket, and see if from the moment you turn the hose on until it is completely off and nothhing dripping off the end, if you can get every drop in that bucket. Try it!! I bet you can’t do it!

  4. 4 OhTheDrama August 18, 2006 at 2:34 pm

    John,

    You are quite humorous, I enjoy the man’s opinion on this matter. How might I ask did you stubmle upon this blog?

    -Ohthedrama


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